Oh, I wanna dance with somebody.

It was quiet the past 4 weeks, very quiet. And I know that I’m not obliged to tell you why, (and maybe you couldn’t care less), but I’d like to tell you why I cocooned for a bit.

I needed some time off because I was having the worst days in a very long time. And I was ashamed of it. I was ashamed that I couldn’t come up with a happy story, an educational post, or a funny adventure to entertain you with. I felt guilty for not being cheerful, can you believe it? Even in an era where so many people are trying to normalize speaking up when you’re not okay, I could not do it. So I kept my posts very shallow, and suffered in silence.

The truth is that I was in pain. Obviously nothing you didn’t already know. But pain in combination with a heavy and emotional time was something I wasn’t prepared for. It’s almost like the more my body is healing, the more my head starts to realize the horror we’ve been through, and what trauma we still have to process on a long way ahead of us.

Nothing that can’t be overcome, I strongly believed, and I was willing to fight until I drop dead to yell out victory Mel Gibson style in Braveheart. But I hadn't considered the amount of pain that comes with it, and how destructive that would be.

The difficult thing about pain, especially phantom pain, is that it is impossible to explain to anyone but yourself how much agony you are actually in, how much suffering you can still bear and when you’ve reached the absolute bottom. And I had reached mine. Again, I feel almost embarrassed to tell you what that meant for me. Because to me, it meant having to confess that I was weak and helpless. Having to acknowledge that I had no more fight left in me, felt devastating and catastrophic. It also meant having the toughest conversation of my life with my partner and my sister. And they weren’t ready for that either.

“If this pain continues for a long period of time, I will want to ask to be euthanized. For I am done with it, and I can’t live a life like this.”

For sure there will be people with very strong opinions about this, and you have every right to have yours. But please respect mine too. Because you don’t walk in my shoes, and I don’t walk in yours. Me saying those words doesn’t mean I’m going to jump off a cliff any minute now. It is me asking for help, and finally using the words that have been going around in my head for quite a while. So there, now you know it. Useless information to some of you, but I send so much love to the ones who already showed me that they care so much.

To finish my story: Once I made sure my love and sister knew the truth, I knew I also had to inform the rehabilitation center about my mental health issues. Because there I was still putting on a happy face every day, even though I was often absent because I got sick very easily. They suspected something was going on, but I only dropped the bomb a few days ago.

So last Friday, half an hour before midnight, I poured my heart out in an email to my psychologist in the rehab center. I told her I needed help, urgently. And because I felt unable to express those feelings in the physiotherapy sessions, I gently asked if she could inform the rest of the team because, again, I felt embarrassed to speak up about it.

And this week, they couldn’t have responded with more compassion, care and hugs. The weight I carried for such a long time (never alone though because my boyfriend did everything in his power to carry it with me), finally dropped a bit. I had relaxation therapy today and planned for the next few weeks, tomorrow I will see my therapist and talk with my doctors to make sure my future will get a more attractive look. So fear not, help is on its way!

To end with a more cheerful note: I discovered that when I dance, it’s the only time I’m completely painless. Feeling the music take over my body never felt so liberating and enlightening. I’m already practicing In Zaire, and the hucklebuck is next!

I hope you can forgive my gloomy writing today, and believe me when I say that better times are ahead of us. This dancing queen does not intend to stop at dancing. Even more adventures are already planned, and I can’t wait to tell you all about them later with an overload of enthusiasm and a happier heart.

See you soon!

Xxx Tina